Dear Diary
by Shiggity Shwa
Summary: A pure evil lady and an insane insomniac are bored. This can only mean one thing...total destruction of the island. Locke can't seem to contain his sexiness, and Ethan is one hot dude...Highly insulting
1. Violence Solves Nothing

Ok, Myself and MariAmber wrote this together. Note, two highly insane people are responsible, and for those who don't like reading fics that mercilessly ridcule the Lost characters don't read.

We have nothing against the characters...

Except maybe Boone

We don't own lost ..if we did...well...read and find out..

* * *

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,  
Plane crashed. Not good. Boredom sinking in. I know I have a game...  
Love Insane Insomniac

Dear Diary,  
The plane crashed, better not tell anybody about the thing I saw on the wing but secretly I think it was the big guy (Honestly him and the pregnant lady...together...on the same plane?" were they good pilots? No are they dolts? Apparently. Look at that other person over there writing in her diary, I think she's scheming  
Love Pure Evil Lady

Dear Diary,  
I am scheming a most brilliant plan!  
Love Insane Insomniac

Dear Diary,  
She's totally scheming I can tell, there's this glint in her eye, something insane, but she could be an insomniac  
Love Pure Evil Lady

Dear Diary,  
Couldn't sleep...So I stole Sawyers lighter, and burned of his precious golden locks….  
Love II

Dear Diary  
I woke up to the middle of the night to that familiar smell of burning hair, I looked over and Sawyers precious golden locks were gone. I did what any Good Samaritan would do. Laughed my ass of until I could breathe, then went to the bathroom.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
May not be only slightly mad person on this island...Well I awoke to screaming. Thought Hurley might be eating someone again. Turns out someone stole Locke's sexy. Wonder who that could be?  
Love II

Dear Diary  
Today I stole Locke's sexy, it made me feel superior in so many ways. I might just never give it back, but then again if I don't he'll chase me like some tribal native. Alright I'll give it back at sundown, but until then...it's Sawyer's fault  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Gotta hand it to that evil chick...Very clever. Stealing Locke's sexy. Today I stole Shannon's asthma inhalers and blamed it on Sawyer. Must have found me, because here they come with the torches...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today I was going to practice my monster routine, you know going into the jungle and shaking the trees, but then I found a mob going to torch someone, and you know me, never one to turn down a mob, see you after the BBQ  
Love PEL

Dear Diary  
Not dead yet...A few minor burns...Anyway was walking around and found 5 star resort...Deciding whether to tell the others...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I followed that girl to tell her I'm sorry for the burns I gave her (I really was aiming for sawyer...and Boones eyebrows) and I found out she found a 5 star hotel. A Hilton of all things. Seems this islands Paris's secret getaway. I always smelt the strong stench of skank, but I just deduced it was Shannon  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Nice girl that evil one...Was feeling very bored this morning, So we took Shannon's make up bag, put and beside a sleeping Boone (his eyebrows appear detachable) and are waiting for the Bitchtastic fireworks to start  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I brought out my bag of marshmallows while we were waiting to Boone (who I will now refer to as eyebrows) to wake up  
7 hours later  
That mofo still hasn't wakened his lazy ass so we roasted marshmallows until they lit on fire and whipped them at him. Burning off one of his beauties. Oh well it was Sawyer's fault...somehow  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boone's got spare eyebrows. Seriously disturbing  
Love II

Dear Diary  
Boone got new eyebrows and I noticed that Vincent is missing some fur. Coincidence? I think not. Since when to brunettes grow in blonde eyebrows?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jin speaks English. Very clearly today I heard him shout EVIL DEVIL CHILD….  
Love II

Dear Diary  
Today Jin called my new bud insane insomniac an evil devil child. I was hurt! I'm the evil one dammit! Oh well, I'll have to wake up extra early tomorrow to pee in his cheerios  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jin had a funny look on his face today. Wonder what got into him.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today Charlie, Kate, Jack II, and I went on a hike to find this fabled cockpit. Along the way I said I saw the monster, and when Charlie asked what it looked like, I said "Yo momma." I don't think Charlie likes me that much...  
Love PEL

Dear Claire's Diary,  
Take a guess at what I stole today!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Claire went all bitchcakes today looking for her diary; jeez for a pregnant lady she can really throw one hell of a bitchfest. I mean jeez the pipes on her are equal to that of a 17th century church organ. I think Shannon got jealous. Hmm maybe I can make a girl fight happen...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I threw a rock at Shannon's head. It echoed...odd.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
There's a rumor going around that Shannon and Boone had had sex. Which is weird because I always thought that Locke and Boone made a better couple  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Found Claire and Charlie making out behind a palm tree. At first thought it was PEL pretending to be monster...But even she don't rock the trees that much  
Love II

Dear Diary  
I'm so PO'ed friggin' Charlie and Claire were macking it behind my tree that I shake to be the monster. Those bitches, now everyone thinks it was just them and my subterfuge was for nothing! Nothing! NOTHIN… oh hell who cares, I'm gonna go get me some of that passion fruit  
PS they don't call it passion fruit for nothing  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL is kinda angry...I Locked her in a tent with Jack to make her feel better….  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I stole Jack's virginity...or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  
PS, how in the hell did my tent get locked  
PSS, Locke is angry that I dinnae sex him up  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I told Charlie that the monster was coming and we should run out into the jungle for hot jungle loving...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Charlie is now the man whore of the island I swear Vincent isn't even safe. Before you know it this island will be filled with millions of STD's which I'm pretty sure Shannon packed with her. Times like this I wish I could go back in time to when sawyer and Kate found those dead people under the waterfall. I got a Polaroid of their face; let me say it was priceless  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer and Vincent are an Item. Even I, the great mind reader didn't see that one coming...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today I saw Sawyer in the jungle doing something very strange with Vincent. I'm gonna say it looked like...umm romping? all I know it that if these keeps up Shannon ain't gonna be the only bulimic here on incest isle  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sawyers having puppies  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Boone looked at Sawyer in a way today that I can only describe as lustful, maybe Boone's in heat, or maybe it was just indigestion  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boone was hitting on me...PEL said he was lovesick over Sawyer. I calmly told him that Sawyer didn't need any attachments. With the puppies and all.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today was fun first me and II sat in the sand in the corner of the beach and just made fun of everyone who was far away from us.  
Then we rated Hurley, Claire and sawyer on levels of fatness  
And finally we actually started a hormone fight between Claire and sawyer (he put on a lot of weight; Jack says he's having eleventuplets).  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL and I sat back and watched the mess that is camp. Everyone is fighting. Sawyers puppies are yapping, Shannon and Paris and screaming...To think….we created all this!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Shannon and Paris were fighting over the best suntan. I think they both have some variety of skin cancer, but jack just doesn't care. Speaking of Jack have you seen that man? He must be made by camp bells because he is mmmm, mmmm good!  
PS Locke is still throwing a sexiest man on the isle bitchfest  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today they voted me off the island  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Stupid Jeff thinks he's so great because he has a friggin' Aztec. Well guess what? At the awards challenge I used my award that I won to bring back one of the former cast members and I picked my insane twin, ii. So shove that up your cram hole Jeff  
PS Hurley ate Jeff  
PSS no one cared  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I'M BACK!  
To celebrate my arrival...a polar bear charged into camp and ate Hurley  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
My mistake. Hurley ate it  
Love II

Dear Diary  
That poor polar bear didn't even see it coming, I mean come on, that was just malicious. From now on I refuse to go anywhere near Hurley in fear of being eaten.  
PS I had a bitchslapping contest with sun today  
PSS my cheek hurts  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sun and PEL had a bitchslapping contest...man sun has had some practice. Sawyer wanted to watch so I told him off, 'you've got puppies now sawyer...put the mouse back in the house' you'd think he'd learn his lesson by now,  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Sun and I decided to join together to become the island bitchslapping police. We're currently training ii and then the three of us will take over the WORLD! Erm...island.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I am a young bitchslapping apprentice. My mother would be proud.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Where in the world did Donald trump come from? As soon as I wrote the words apprentice, he just 'poof' showed up. Might be some competition, his hairs almost as bad as Boone's eyebrows. Almost  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II is the most skillful you bicthslapper I've ever seen. 9 out of ten islanders agree the tenth should shut up (Sawyer is number 10) I mean since he got his puppy weight off, he thinks that he's the shiznit around here, well me and ii will show him up tomorrow.  
PS Donald trump and Boone have joined forces to make the 'NICH' the national island hairy committee  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer needs an attitude adjustment. We took him back to Paris's holiday mansion and tied him to a chair. He has the choice between two movies. Flipper or Clueless...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II introduced me to Ethan, now that is some lean Canadian beef right there son. Man he's so cool, he told me where to find the good plants. Apparently this is the same island as Leo was on during the movie 'the beach' I will later get stoned for that reference.  
PS Ethan is one cool mofo  
PSS long live the Canada Australia alliance  
PSSS Austranada  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Named the island Austranada….Myself and PEL are queens, Ethan is our advisory and Boone is our hunting dog. Not that he ever catches anything.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I appointed lock secretary of sexiness. He takes his position to seriously, he plans to sex everyone up in the future. I can't wait for that, I'm being sarcastic, however Boone was not, I seriously think that boy is whipped. Spending hours in the jungle with Locke, making weird noises, sounds like something Stephen king would write about  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Caught Boone and Locke...Making muffins.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I do NOT want any of those 'muffins'  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
We were overthrown. Charlie shot Ethan...stupid prick. And Jack exiled us. So now it's me, PEL and this really down to earth polar bear roasting marshmallows in the rain...note: It doesn't work so well  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I miss Ethan he was like a bird to my fish, a pink to my shade of blue, an Ethan to my PEL, god I cried today while staring at Claire's baby (she had her baby btw but who cares?) because Ethan loved them so much! He was like a Barney, minus the scary. But I had to leave before Jack caught me, but I brought something with me as a souvenir  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
The polar bear told us his life story...Ethan took him in as a pup...And now his only family is dead. WHY GOD WHY! Ethan has a special place in all our hearts. He will be missed  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
It's the 31st of October, and since nothing special happens today, I say we claim it as Ethan day. We'll go and be the might marauders of the Midwest island coast. PS how the hell am I supposed to take care of Claire's baby? I'd better just give it back  
Love PEL  
PS Locke still likes to talk to me, freaky

Dear Diary,  
Today is Ethan day. I and the polar bear ran around scaring Claire in honor of him. I think PEL's gone soft. She's giving the baby back.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I just realized that Ethan Rom was an anagram for Mother Na! I'm so freaked out right now. The polar bear we befriended took up to Ethan's lair, just as I suspected lined with Pilates tapes. And OMG is that Sega with Mortal Kombat? Oh screw this...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ethan has a lair. Number that one...that's cool number two...WE CAN ROAST Marshmallows AGAIN love II

Dear Diary,  
I and II had a Mortal Kombat, marshmallow roasting party last night with the polar bear. We've decided that it is important for one of us to befriend one of the 'cool' castaways, so tomorrow is the birth of 'Operation: befriend cool castaway  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Operation befriend Cool castaway is in action. The popcorns ready, the polar bears leant us his sunglasses (did you know he was in the cocoa cola adds?) and we are set  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm writing this while I walk through the woods, it is very important to pay attention to where you wal…

Sorry I hit a tree because I wasn't paying attention. So now, we must pick out our prey...so many choices, this is take long hard hours of concent...OMG is that a penny? Score!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL ran into a tree while I was laughing my ass of I fell in a ditch…Damn.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Our greatest enemies on the isle are the inanimate objects!  
They are older then the wind itself and more clever then a...umm...clever thingy! Yeah that's good.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
On our walk, PEL was trying to be all wise today. I said if she were really wise we would have murdered Boone by now...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II dared me to murder Boone. Now I have to decided how to, I think back to my few short days spent with Ethan, how would he have done it. Probably the breaking bones thing (stupid dumbassed Scott/Steve). But I believe that all the endless hours of Mortal Kombat has taught me awesome karate skills, so tomorrow we start plan "Kill Boone with my fists of fury"  
Love PEL  
PS violence solves nothing

Dear Diary,  
PEL's getting ready to smash the eyebrows off Boone. Can't wait. Polar bear and me placed bets on how long it would take...gotta run…its starting…  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I totally kicked Boone pansy ass! he was all like "Hi PEL" and I was like "STFU" and then I beat him until Locke came over and reprimanded me for taking his beating bitch. But then we made a deal that I get him Wednesdays.  
PS II loved her stuffed trophy of Boone's eyebrows  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Got the coolest stuffed eyebrow trophy. PEL is the greatest...She was all, "Hiya!" And he was all, "AAAHHH!" And Locke was all "Get the hell away from me beating bitch!"  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today me and II snuck into the old camp, and peed in the water supply, that'll teach them not to represent  
PS, I need to buy Pepsi for the bar fridge in Ethan's lair  
PSS, this has been a story sponsored by Pepsi, it's the cola!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
The Pepsi guys got to PEL...not good. COCA COLA IS SO MUCH BETTER! Polar bear agrees with me...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I really do prefer diet coke, but someone has to pay the bills. What can I say I'm a trend pimp, or sponsor whore if you'd prefer  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL needs to change her name to SW...sponsor whore. I made a sign for the lair 'do not enter unless you wish to be bombarded with Pepsi ads' should keep the islanders away  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Pepsi fired me today, seems they want someone with a cleaner, more virginictic feel...  
PS yes I can make up words so…Gah!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jack showed up today, he wanted to give PEL's virginity back...I tried to tell her it was impossible...I think he just wanted to see how cool our lair is.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack came to give me my virginity back so I could work more with the Pepsi people, but that failed miserably again because I managed to take it back from him on the couch...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Polar bear and me watched Spanish soaps and ate chocolate while Jack and PEL played hot potato with her virginity  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I was supposed to be playing virginity hot potato with Jack but I swear Spanish soap operas? I mean "¿Dondé éstà la bibliotequa Pedro?" But I was there...for most of it  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Found out Jack and PEL are fans of Spanish soaps...I think I might go find Charlie...Hot Potato sounds like fun to me...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I don't know what happened to Kate, I haven't really heard from her since the cockpit. There's a rumor going around that she's on Broadway, but something tells me she's sexing it up at the Hilton.  
PS today I caughtII and Charlie in a less then appropriate position, lets just say that they'd be excellent twister players  
Love PEL  
PS my virgin eyes!

Dear Diary,  
Oops...might have scarred PEL for life…Oh well…me and Charlie had a twister tournament coming up, if you know what I mean...of course you don't your a book!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II's diary has been talking to me all night again, telling me that ii doesn't respect her like she should. The shame. It's so sad when inanimate objects are brought to life by my feeble mind  
Love PEL  
PS Locke was snooping around yesterday, freaky legs probably wants to join the twister tournament

Dear Diary,  
Oh great so now Locke's seen me and Charlie ...ah playing twister. He asked to join in. I replied 'sorry there is only one opening and Charlie's rather filled it  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today I made my daily trip to see Ethan's gave and OMG his hand came out!  
1) OMG ETHAN'S BACK WTF (HUGGLES)  
2) OMG THRILLER!  
Now we must set up dance routine...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Me, PEL and polar bear have come up with awesome dance routine...Ethan's back, back again, Ethan's back tell a friend. He joined us for our pretty in pink party. Tomorrow we're going Boone hunting. Yay!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Ethan taught us the best way to hunt a man; I think Ethan should be on the cover of Vogue  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL suggested Ethan be on the cover of Vogue...I swear if he was I would actually buy that magazine. In other news, me and Charlie have moved onto another game. This one's called in the tail on the donkey  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II and Charlie keep have their sexy parties, while jack and Ethan don't get along. This is so hard, on one side you have a hot, sexy, muscular, tattooed doctor, and on the other you have Canadian, psycho killer Ethan.  
WHY MUST I CHOOSE?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL is having a hard time with it. Ethan and Jack...Poor thing.  
Love II  
PS I offered to take whichever she didn't want

Dear Anne Landers,  
I'm stuck on an island and I'm torn in between to guys. The first is so kind and nurturing and hot and a doctor to boot, but the second one's a hardcore bad boy and Canadian! I really don't know which on to give my love, if you could tell me that I'm messing everything up like you do to everyone that'd be great  
slutty teenage island beach whore (PEL)

Dear Diary,  
PEL wrote for help. No not about the island about her choice. So hard. I really feel sorry for her. Charlie ran off with Shannon and Paris. Well I'm sorry if I'm not kinky enough for him!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I hope Anne got the letter I wrote her in the bottle. Kate saw me put it in the water and asked what it was for; I said that I was writing to Anne Landers. She told me she was dead. I just think Kate's jealous because she don't got this gesticulates towards my sexy body  
PS I toldII not to worry about Charlie and just because she doesn't weigh less then 55lbs doesn't mean she...won't get a man soon.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL made me feel better. Saw Ethan having a shower this morning...made me feel even more better. NO WAIT...PEL hasn't decided yet so keep dirty thoughts to self…  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today me and II went to go sunbathing on the beach and watched the sexy guys prance around like idiots...why do they work? I mean working will get nothing done.  
Ethan brought us milkshakes; apparently he has a nice creamery in the hills. God why are choices so hard?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Milkshakes are so nice...Ethan's treating us like queens of a small not-so-deserted island. Sunbathing is nice. Charlie was checking me...I'll not take him back 'til he crawls on hands and knees and promises to bring his own twister mat  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today I went through all the twister mats and their most of them out because Charlie and II befouled them all! I mean one or two I can understand but 63? Man, for a little guy he's got lots of...spunk?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Charlie did crawl back and yes brought mats...I'm so proud of him. PEL still hasn't decided. She'd better hurry up…Ethan is showering 4 times a day! AND HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I have decided that's its best if me and Ethan just remain friends, besides the fact that we're both evil and both Canadian and both like to steal babies and hurt innocent people... He's gay  
So back to my lovely Jack's arms!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ethan's gay I think I might die.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I was taking a lovely jaunt through the bowels of the jungle this morning, and how did I see? Ethan! Talking with Boone! I knew he really marched in parades! I knew it! I mean how Will & Grace is this? Seriously it was something about those eyebrows that said that boy just ain't right. But now I believe that undead dead Ethan and beaten Boone will make a fabulous pair...  
Opps go to go, here comes sawyer walking his brigade of puppies. I have to get the rawhide bones ready for the fiasco. Hee hee hee what did you expect, the name is pure evil lady  
Love PEL  
PS Woof

* * *

PEL and II put away their diaries for a night of fun. Sawyer, after having dropped his puppies off at Sayid's pulled out a deck of cards and shouted "STRIP POKER" 

This was all the conversation needed to send 15 survivors running.

Everyone was huddled together and rearing to go.

II didn't know how to play poker, but still reading to strip of her clothes at any moment, was more then willing to play.

PEL sat in the corner, she seemed more interested in drinking then playing actual poker, but she still managed to get a couple hands in

PEL shouted happily "Ha My pair beats your full house!"

Sawyer nervously argued back "that ain't…" Before being rudely interrupted by Locke screaming "STRIPTEASE"

"That ain't right.." Sawyer continued, before throwing his jumper aside without looking anyone in the eye.

At this point, no one noticed that Jack and Kate had left the little group after both loosing horribly.

PEL then passed out from the naked sexiness and tequila shots

Charlie, entering the scene mumbling "Hey guys I just came to.." After seeing Locke he loudly shouted "OH LOCKE! PUT SOME PANTS ON!" To which Locke replied seductively "Why? Are you afraid of the sexual tension between us?"

Hurley stood up "That's it, I'm outta here"

II having no clue what was going, started giggling insanely. She stopped suddenly when she realized she was the only one wearing all of her original clothing.

She stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs "Why am I not NEKED"

"Because you're winning" Boone announced.

Suddenly , like a scene from 101 Dalmatians, Sawyers puppies came bounding through the game.

Locke the only one entirely naked started running. The dogs followed.

Everyone else decided to stay behind and try and guess what PEL's drool stain looked like.

And all that could be heard in the distance was Locke's pitiful scream.. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

* * *

Dear Diary,  
Must learn how to loose at strip poker.  
Love II 

Dear Diary,  
I woke up this morning smelling like soot, vomit and something I can't even describe, ahhh those old public school days...  
Love PEL

* * *

We hoped you guys liked it for now, and if you didn't, too bad! Ha ha ha! We'd love to hear your comments on our stupidity, we mean, story. So review away! 


	2. Lord Sexy G the ShizNit

This chapter is Borderlinging and R-rating because it gets pretty hot and heavy on the way in.

Enjoy

**Don't own 'em, if we did then ETHAN WOULDN'T BE DEAD, MOFOS!**

* * *

Dear Dary: 2  
  
Dear Diary,  
Locke's dog was found by Walt's dog, Good boy Vincent you found Boone!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Why doesn't anyone on this island have a cat?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I am Ethan's new cat  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm a squirrel...figures  
PS at least I'm not a moose  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I have be demoted to moose  
PS Woe

Love PEL  
Dear Diary,  
I was with the moose...whoops PEL, she said not to call her moose...  
Anyway, we went out looking for coconuts. The first ones we spotted were Boone and Sawyer  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
MY FRIGGIN' EYES!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL is blind again.  
We really need to get her some lotion  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I love my beautiful Black world  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jeff is alive...after being digested…anyway he was there long enough to vote Swoon off the island.  
Then Hurley ate him again  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
THE LIGHT...IT BURNS! I can see again!  
Love PEL  
PS When did Shannon grow the beard?

Dear Diary,  
PEL mistook Sayid for Shannon, Me for the polar bear, and good lord Kate for Ethan.  
Poor Ethan is sooo hurt.  
Love II

Dear diary,  
I hugged Kate today, EWWWW GIRLY GERMS!  
To make it up to Ethan I took him snowboarding  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Kate is upset, when PEL realized who she was hugging she shrieked and had a bath. This is insulting A) because PEL hasn't bathed since the plane crashed and god knows how long before that and B) She screamed "EWWWWWW girl germs"  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm white!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL's white! And all this time I thought she was African Canadian...weird.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm white, and now I'm burned. So now I'm of the lobster race. Hey that'd be fun to watch, lobsters racing you know, but what would they race for? I dunno what do lobsters eat? I hope they don't eat people, are Lobsters around here? OMG better go warn Jack about the man-eating lobsters  
PS I did NOT snort any of Charlie's smack  
PSS Alright I did but only a little  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL ran off ranting about Killer lobster races she shouted very loudly "I did not NOT take any of Charles magical pixie dust" She truthful so I believe her.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I miss the good old days before we'd been on this island for a month. When Rich would walk around naked and...Oh wait that was a survivor rerun I watched on Ethan's satellite dish...Don't judge me, Spanish Soap Opera's were off, and I beat Mortal Kombat like infinity times  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
So bored...the annoying islanders game is getting tiring…they don't get angry any more just roll there eyes and say "down II" pfft. Also shagging all the men on the island is getting old too.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Where's Jack, my great Canadian Rockies need climbing  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL's getting way to much action.  
Kate's even beginning to look attractive.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today Kate decided that since II tried to jump her to carry around a gun all the time. If she wants a gun I want a gun. Operation: Steal Jack's Gun is now in session  
PS Love the title  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Damn Kate has a gun. PELs trying to get Jacks gun…I seriously don't want to know which gun...I've started my own operation. Romance Kate without violence i.e. RKWV.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I finally got Jack's gun (with some coaxing and some chloraphorm (thank God for chloraphorm smugglers (I'm looking at you Sayid) and I went trigger crazy by accident I swear.  
Final count?  
13 injured  
3 dead  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL's a little trigger crazy at the moment. It worked perfectly for my RKWV plan...when PEL came along giggling madly I shouted "Quick hide behind this conveniently placed tarp with roses and candles' she is dumber then I thought.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Shannon's pregnant, dear lord I hope this time it's not puppies  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Whoops...Shannon's pregnant...IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I swear to go she's going to have a Prada manufactured baby  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Kate's preggers...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Sun's Preggers  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ok it's kind of obvious that I stopped sleeping with the guys isn't it. Either that or Charlie's been playing follow the leader  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Everyone's pregnant! Except me! Why must I be so barren! Oh well I get to watch them all have a royal rumble over the last piece of beef (cow beef)  
PS Charlie asked me to play follow the leader with him  
PSS I told him to ask II  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Everyone's pregnant except me and PEL! ...later: Never mind last few entries, they weren't pregnant just wanted some extra beef. Hell, Kate asked for child support beef!  
Love II  
PS Charlie is my match made in heaven

Dear Diary,  
Today I made a Weapon of Mass Destruction out of palm fronds, and then I accidentally set it on fire when I got cold.  
PS found secret trail that leads to pot of gold  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL's been in Charlie's "magic pixie dust" stash again.  
Love II  
PS OH shit...the fires spread start running!

Dear Diary,  
I am the queen of the flames! That was I was until Jack decided to put me out. I'll have to smack him later. I miss Ethan  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Accidentally hit on PEL...I thought it was Charlie…to much smoke in my eyes  
Love II  
PS This is so embarrassing

Dear Diary,  
II hit on my today, I wasn't mad about hat, but the fact that she called me 'it' really Po'ed me  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Charlie asked me if I was seeing PEL.  
I told him no I'm seeing Shannon.  
Oops  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Charlie seems pretty ecstatic about II seeing Shannon, what a strange little hairy man  
PS drew on Locke's head for an hour today...so soothing  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sworn off all men. How dare he!  
Stole Claire's hat today, she is horribly sun burnt!  
Also stole sawyers wig…Then while he was napping drew on his head. Not quite the same sound...but good enough.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I was walking by Sawyer's tent and I almost crapped my pants. But the second I realized II just drew another face on the back of Sawyer's head. Phew for a second there I thought I was attracted to him. Those Black line eyes and that perfect semi circular smile...better go find Jack...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL was suffering from a minor heart attack. Jack sorted that by giving her an adrenaline rush on the cliff.  
Didn't need to see that.  
Charlie's asking if Shannon and I are still an 'item' I said of course you twit, I dumped you not her.  
Serves him right the little sod.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I have one word for you...Cliffhanger  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Stole Sawyers clothes while he had a shower.  
Drew a face on his but cheeks while he napped, and then dragged him to PEL's tent.  
Am now awaiting her arrival.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm just walking back from my little 'expedition' with Jack to my tent and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Laughed so hard it gave away my position. Gotta run bye!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
After stoning II several times, I had her removed, which I guess is Sawyer's body...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ow ow ow ow ow...I found a new ow...hobby! ow  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I wonder what LSGTS is up to these days?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
LSGTS had to remove the rocks from my back with a knife. While he did so we had a nice discussion on PEL's destructive behavior patters.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today everyone gathered up and had a talk with me about my destructive behavior. I said I didn't have a problem. Boone hugged me and I punched him  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I tried to lock Jack in PEL's tent again but he cried so much! He was afraid she'd hurt him. He showed me the rather interesting bruises he received from their expedition. Seriously though, I didn't want to see them!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack gives as good as he gets  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
The liar. PEL has matching bruises. And I didn't want to see those either! What am I? The odd bruise checker? Charlie caught on and tried to show me his boo boo... I said the only problem he had was the size of his manhood.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I like to show off my sexy bruises. And you know as soon as I write 'sexy' LSGTS appeared right behind me. I ask him how he does it, but he says "you'll learn it next week." Well when the hell is next week? He's said next week like 20 times now!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
LSGTS showed up a few minutes ago and told me the secret to sexiness...I'm going to go and rub it. Gloat to PEL. Ha...her next week is still weeks away!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I attempted suicide today by jumping off a cliff. Note to self; remember to jump off a cliff that does NOT have water underneath it!  
PS now I'm wet  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jack got rid of PEL's depression.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I love life, but I miss cheese, I wonder if Ethan would let me into that creamery of his if I paid him in WMD made of palm fronds  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ethan's pet elephant swam us off the island, just for the night and we have to be back by six.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I came back with a tattoo and smelling like McDonalds, when Jack asked me what the tattoo was I simply replied, "Birth mark." I think Charlie's going to enjoy  
II's tattoo when they get back together  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Charlie loves my tattoo. What a wild night! Me and PEL played the jungle girls to the best of our abilities.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm no longer allowed in California, drunk and disorderly my ass. Stupid and willing is more like it  
Love PEL

Dear diary,  
I've been kicked out of four states of America, on probation in Los Vegas and never allowed to sing karaoke again. Damn.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Las Vegas was fun, but myself and II forgot then in REAL casinos you have to bet money...not clothes  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Left my clothes in Los Vegas...Didn't seem to impressed when a nude chick with leaves and sticks in her hair came wandering through the airport.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
It was hard flying Ethan's elephant back on the airplane, not to mention the fact that II would not where any clothes. IU offered her some from my bag but she simply refused.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Back on the island…good to be back. I can be as naked as I want and no one asks. Ok that's a lie. They all wanted to know what the hell I'd done with my clothes...but that wore off once we pulled out McDonalds bags for the whole group.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I've never seen Hurley run that fast in my life. He was like a cannonball or something. I swear he knocked over everyone and took all the bags. It this was bowling he'd have gotten a strike.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Hurley stole the food. SO I got my bag of chocolate bars and distributed them not very evenly. Sawyer got jack.  
Love II  
PS Not THE Jack...he got nothing…thought I should clarify that

Dear Diary,  
I got Jack, The Jack, I walked by II's tent and all I heard was "OH god, oh yes, that's so good OMG, yes!...That's a good candy bar."  
That girl needs therapy, and I'm the one to do it  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Damn that candy bar was sweet. I think I shall die of happiness  
Love II  
PS PEL thinks I need therapy..

Dear Diary,  
I told Jack about my therapy Idea and he thinks that we all need it, so tomorrow 9am sharp, group therapy begins  
PS 10:1 that Boone cries sometime during it  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I shared with the group that I had issues with men...as I said this I glared at Charlie.  
I also said that Candy bars are better to have in bed then Charlie...but I think it came out wrong.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack says he doesn't want me to hang around with II anymore, I said "Well then I guess I'll just hang out with II...DAMMIT!"  
Note to self: Work on the brains  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I am being shunned. Chocolate is thy downfall  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Boone expressed too much at therapy. I mean he has so many summer camp stories, that make me wanna vom, I'm never sending my kids to summer camp...EVER  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boone is a baby. I went to summer camp and it was never a group of giggling girls…I mean seriously make up parties are old.  
Still not allowed near PEL. Jack has a gun.

Love II  
Dear Diary,  
Jack as a gun...Oh yeah of course I'm talking about the one that fires bullets and can kill people...not a sexual reference at all...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
DAMN IT JACK! He shot me... I tried to give PEL some chocolate. REAL CHOCOLATE. A snickers bar. He yelled and shot at me like I was an ugly wild animal. I mean the wild animal fine but UGLY!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack shot me today, I jumped in front of II when he shot her screaming "Noooooooooooo" and then it went through me into her. Way to Blow Jack! Now my new nickname is Holes  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL is no nice. She saved me.  
Jack is still shocked. I guess someone forgot to mention that Pel can't die. Tiny detail.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Everyone was so shocked that I dinnae die, well they seemed to have forgotten then I'm Canadian and on this island Canadian's don't die...I hope  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Borrowed the elephant for a night on the town.  
Asked Shannon to come with me. I'd ask PEL but she's having way to much fun with Jack begging forgiveness,  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack wants to stitch up my bullet wound. I told him to can the innuendo...then I passed out from lack of blood and when I woke up it was stitched...that bitch!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I woke up back on the island. Hey look! I've got a tattoo on my stomach! Don't know where Shannon's gone, and I seem to have misplaced my clothes.  
Skinny dipping! Yay!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Damn that Boone, his new hobby is laundry. I really wish he'd stop taking everyone clothes  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boone took my clothes. Ew he touched me. Then I remembered I wasn't wearing underwear anyway so alls good.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I made a mistake, Boone doesn't like to do laundry he likes to play dress-up, my bad  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL and me escaped the island...Boone followed. Where are we going this time?  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I took II to Canada; yeah that was fun for about 3 seconds...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Got trampled by a damn moose! Boone got eaten by a beaver. Canada isn't half bad.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
we have to do back to the island now, but I'm bringing back maple syrup for all!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Started another round of strip poker  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack is still apologizing, jeez when will he learn that it's only a flesh wound!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Jack stopped apologizing when I shot him. Only a flesh wound.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack won't let me hang out with II anymore says he doesn't want me getting into the guns and because she shot him. Umm does anyone remember my little fiasco a little while ago with a death toll? Stupid red shirts  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Damn...Damn Jack and his rules, tied him to a tree and was about to gouge is eyes out but PEL stopped me. Oh well...I'll get him tomorrow.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I stopped II from gouging out Jack's eyes today, I've said it once I've said it 1 million times, if anyone gets their eyes gouged out it's me!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Fine…wont gouge out Jacks eyes. Might turn him into a woman though...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II wants to turn Jack into a woman. If she takes away his bull winkle I'll gouge her eyes out!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
What the hell is a bull winkle? And I like my eyes! Fine I will do something else...I know...Shave off Boone's eyebrows.  
Love II


	3. SWAK and Boone Hair Vestments

_Here's a new chapter full of crap that has nothing to do with the island at all. And a special guest star! That's right! Lizzie joins us as SWAK, to help Boon out because we're 'picking' on him to much. _

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of them. Well Ethan Jr. we do own and if you don't believe us take us to court and do that genetic testing thing. We'll make a day of it.

* * *

**Dear Diary

Dear Diary,  
Turned the island into one big Pokémon match  
Love II  
PS verses Kikauras in ten minutes

Dear Diary,  
Today II and I got extremely bored and since this is a magic island, we turned it into a Pokéisland. Now comes the tough part of thinking names  
PS I'm Kikauras  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Damn Kikauras beat me. I guess my Kikashit moves didn't work so good. Oh well.  
Preggachik is pretty good  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Sexuup is demanding to challenge me to a match; doesn't he know I have my awesome squirrel throwing powers?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Preggachik beat Boone...his name is Upmiselph, Sexuup also beat him, as did Kikauras and just about everyone else  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Freekeechild also beat Upmiselph, who basic attack is...bawl  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Bored of this game. Everyone can beat me as my only attack is nekedness.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Decided after the pokématch to turn everyone into rap ganstas  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Yo' wassup! Me and Sexasaurus...and 25c and polar bear have started a little club. I'm the nights designated stripper.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Since I'm Canadian I get to be head bartender (since it's a compulsory credit in Canadian high schools) But my rapper name is Me. pretty (like p. diddy)  
PS love 25c song, 'you wanna make a call you need 25 cents!' pure genius  
Love PEL HO!

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer tried to give me money...I kindly told him he could take his money and shove it up his ass.  
he did  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer offered me a tip, I did not take it. However I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired soon. I drink more then I serve...  
PS LSGTS put out a new add for strippers, really hope Boone doesn't try out  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boones the new stripper. We paid him to keep his clothes on  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer wanted to strip, I told him to think of the puppies  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer stripped. He's expecting his next litter in June  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I told Jack to spay/neuter Sawyer. He said there wasn't enough booze/money in the world for him to do it. And really? I don't blame him. We'll just get LSGTS to do it  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer's depressed. No more puppies for him. And oh god...I'm pregnant.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I just found out the good new that II is pregnant. Now two mysteries need to be solved. One is who dun it, and two is she going to have puppies, kittens or humans?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I'm going to kill Charlie! Him and his bloody twister mats! I've been sitting on my ass all day.  
Ethan is very happy...he's pulled out all his baby toys.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I knitted II a blanket out of Boone hair (I told her not to light any candles by it) and LSGTS made her a cradle from homemade glue, that I took and used in place of Charlie's smack  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
It's a human. I know this because so far it's only kicking with two legs not four.  
Ow…damn baby when you get out I'm going to feed you to Locke!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I helped Ethan set up a nursery in the lair, he wanted to paint it pink, I wanted to paint it blue. The nursery is now blue and pink.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL and Ethan painted the nursery pink and blue...a bit late to tell them I wanted purple right?  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II said she wanted purple, at this point Ethan and I both had a Bitchfest and then left the lair. Let the polar bear deal with her, I'm going to get some passion fruit and some Jack  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Bitchfights...Jeez I'm supposed to be the one with crazy hormones. Oh look a beetle…That so sad...Oh god I'm crying.  
Love II  
PS Locke cried at beetle too...

Dear Diary  
Found out earlier today that Locke's little brother was crushed by a meteor. His name was John Paul but they used to call him Beatle. His mom then saw a beetle and it slept in Beatle's old room on Beatle's old bed, until it was accidentally eaten by Jeannie the golden retriever.  
Love PEL  
PS WTF?

Dear Diary,  
Ok Locke had an excuse for crying at the beetle. Guess what...His brothers was the pope!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
As Locke tells it, he has a secret family member in ever country in the world. I wonder who Canada's was. I better ask Ethan...And Kate...and by ask I mean beat with a stick  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Sayid asked me today if the baby was his.  
WTF? I didn't even know who Sayid was until five minutes ago! PEL says I sleep walk.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today Sayid asked me if my baby was his...I think Shannon gave him gonorrhea and since there's no cure he's going mentally insane...  
Love PEL  
PS II sleepwalks

Dear Diary,  
Sayid is bonkers. Oh damn it damn it damn it. Gone into labour. Either that or I ate too many berries.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II ate all my flippin' berries, ha serves her right now she's got indigestion  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Thank god it was only indigestion. Gave back PEL's magic markers.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
YUSS! GOT MY MAGIC MARKERS! Where's Sawyer...god I hate him...  
Love PEL  
PS I'm worried about when II goes into labor. I'll get to see Jack working his DR. Magic and I might not be able to keep my hands off him  
PSS Where is Charlie?

Dear Diary,  
Dumb ass Charlie ran off and left me. PEL's getting a little excited about Dr Jack showing up.  
Ok that's it am never eating berries again. THAT WASNT BERRIES  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I told II she should be careful what she's eating, with Sawyer's pups going to the bathroom where ever they please...  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Gone into labor. Charlie is a dead man. VERY, VERY DEAD MAN  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II went into labor, Jack is a sexy man, a VERY, VERY SEXY MAN!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Bastard Charlie…gorgeous kid. Named it Ethan. He's sooo proud. PEL jumped Jack like two seconds after he handed me my kid.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jumped Jack, it was sweet.  
Ethan junior is beautiful, Charlie still has not been found. I suspect that we'll find his remnants some time soon  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Charlie's back. But the kid isn't his. It has eyebrows.  
Love II  
PS Oh wait…that was just dirt never mind

Dear Diary,  
II scared me there for a second, I thought she might have had Boone's bastard child. Well Charlie's back but he has competition, seems every guy in camp (save my Jack ;)) wants to help raise the baby.  
Love PEL  
PS tomorrow we're having a Bachelorette with II

Dear Diary,  
Loving this attention. Bachelorette starts up soon.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I get to be that person who hands II the roses, sweeeeet!  
PS OWE SINCE WHEN DO ROSES HAVE THORNS?  
PSS I told Jack that I was thorny-he took it the wrong way  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL's gone to the infirmary seems she's got thorns in her fingers.  
Jack said he needed to help her.  
Damn this squealing baby wont shut up. Ethan took him for a walk  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I told Ethan before he took Ethan Jr. For a walk that a leash wasn't needed...he didn't listen  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ethan and Ethan Jr. are not back yet...slightly concerned.  
Love II  
PS Charlie wants more kids. NO WAY IN HELL  
PSS Pregnant again

Dear Diary,  
II is the most fertile girl I've ever known  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL wants a mini Jack.  
We could use another doctor  
Love II

Dear Diary,When I said I wanted a mini Jack I didn't mean it in that way. I was talking about the mini bottle of Jack Daniels we have in the fridge  
PS I keep hearing music, could it be true? Are we getting our own soundtrack?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
We have a theme song!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Apparently Charlie built a recording studio at the caves when no one was looking.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
PEL offered to teach me how to play Poker. So I can effectively loose  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I had to do anything to get away from Locke's Shiny head, I mean it's like a bug zapper for human's, it's so luscious and it makes you want to ask "mirror mirror of Locke's head, who is the sexiest of the undead..." So I ended up how to teach II how to loose at poker.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Ethan and Boone have taken their relationship to the next step. Boone's moving in with us. Did you know his eyebrows have their own suitcase?  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I woke up and there was hair everywhere. I couldn't thin of a good explanation until II told me that Boone had moved in. Ahh the capital of hair has crossed over tot he dark side. We're in trouble  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Boone's still in the shower! If it weren't for Ethan I'd unleash a can of whoop ass on his butt. Ah Ethan the things I do for you  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I went in the bathroom after Boone was done and holy crap! There was so much hair on the bottom of that shower I could've made a shag carpet, a parka for Sun (at Jin's request), two backpacks, a throw pillow and a quilt.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I left the lair...The hair was beginning to strangle me. PEL's been knitting.  
Me and Polar bear went to play hide and seek with the French lady  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm knitting a whip, so that when Boone gets to close... Hee hee hee. II left to go find Danielle, I don't know why, it's Thursday and she's supposed to be having supper at our place tonight. Filet Migon, Agneau Evangeline, and French Fries. The perfect French cuisine.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
French lady won again. Damn it. Polar bear told me a secret. He loves PEL.  
I told him to tell her of his feelings...He said can't I just give her a dead fish. Whatever floats her boat...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I received a dead fish this morning, with an attached not that says "luv ur seekrt admirar" Damn Boone, I thought he was in love with Ethan?  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Polar Bear is depressed. PEL gave Boone a black Eye. Ethan is secretly dating Charlie. Damn it Charlie! He keeps breaking it off...Fine then...Two can play at that game…  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Boone cries too much, and he always takes over the TV during the Spanish Soap Opera's. What a little princess. Well guess what, I'm sick and tired of it, I'll juts have to call in Danielle to give his ass a whooping. I mean French ladies are scary, but add in 16 years of loneliness, island stench and crazy and you be playin' with fire fool!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Charlie came back. Seems Danielle killed his boy friend. I told him sorry, but I'm seeing Shannon.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I'm so tired of this incest island crap. Everyone is dating everyone and I'm not getting any! Well screw them all, because one day they'll all come crawling to me and my sexay boday and I'm not going to! So ha! I'm becoming the nun of the island (minus all the religious stuff)  
Love PEL  
PS Made a vestment and one of those hats from Boone hair

Dear Diary,  
Jack showed up today, said Kate was keeping him prisner, He was shocked to see Pel is a nun.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
If I only still had my Cat of nine tails whip I'd teach everyone who's boss. But alas no.  
PS I no longer have my nun clothes, apparently Boone hair though a delicacy is highly flammable  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,Seeing as PEL's nun outfit burned..(lemme tell ya, it was funny) her and Jack are having a 'haven't been shagged in a while' party. So me, Ethan, and polar bear, the singles are gonna watch Spanish soaps.  
Love II

Dear diary,  
I had to beat Kate off with a bat I fashioned out of Boone hair, finally got alone with my Jack. How you ask? Simple I just pretended I was drowning  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,PEL and Jack have been in that room doing CPR for days now.  
Caught Charlie showing Shannon how to play twister. Good for nothing bastard  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
II set fire to all the twister maps on the island, and the quant lil' factory on the cove that was making them. (sigh) well I guess it's back to fashioning everyday items out of Boone hair  
PS I really wish II would give me my damn markers back!  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today I washed up on shore and passed out.  
Love SWAK (super, witty and krazy)

Dear Diary,  
Did not succeed in shaving of Boone's eyebrows. SWAK has stopped me. DAMN THAT SWAK!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I saw that new girl today, SWAK was it, man she didn't look bright at all, I mean for one thing she just talks gibberish and another she just keeps following Boone around like little lost puppy  
PS wait that was on of Sawyer's puppies  
PSS I don't like her that much  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today I met some new people, I'm stuck on a pretty island, and they seem nice  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
It is impossible to get within a two meter radius of Boone. IMPOSSIBLE!  
Bribed the polar bear with two weeks marshmallows if he keeps her busy long enough for me to get to eyebrow boy  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
That SWAK girl is mighty weird, she kept talking about a down to stairs or something? I dunno Boone seems to be the only one dumb enough to communicate with her  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
I met a really pretty boy; he seems really nice and super interesting  
Love SWAK  
PS I think he likes me

Dear Diary,  
Sawyer's hurt, seems Boone and SWAK want to have little eyebrows together... So I am babysitting the puppies.  
I've been feeling to go to Las Vegas, but my probation isn't up yet...OH SHIT that dog just peed on me!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
I wish I could go to Las Vegas too, but I don't trust Boone and SWAK on the island together, if we came back everyone's IQ combined would be at - 500000  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I think that band guy's going out with that pregnant girl's going out with that band guy, aren't they brother and sister? and i think that curly haired girl is going out witht hat bald guy...aren't they brother and sister, and I heard that Boone had sex with Shannon and their brother and sister, I think that Korean lady and that Korean man are going out and brother and sister  
Love SWAK  
PS I like Incest

Dear Diary,  
PEL and I kidnapped SWAK and tied her to a tree. We left little biscuits and lured Boone all the way to Melbourne, on our flying elephant. There is no way out of Melbourne. Ever. Once you go in…you never go out.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
The Boone desensitizing has begun, we showed her millions of hours in footage of Boone getting out of the water topless, but it only seemed to make her want him more  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today we are playing a game, it's called "kidnap me and make me watch naked hot man" I wish I had popcorn  
PS this is a very fun game  
PSS my hands hurt  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
Step one failed. SO we pulled out all the blankets and jackets made out of his eyebrow hair.  
OH and in other news! Shannon's adopting Ethan JR! We're a family!  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
We had a luau for Shannon Ethan Jr. and II, I showed SWAK where to steal the best food...I mean catch the best fish... Then I taught her how to get a piggy back ride from Hurley without him knowing it.  
PS I miss my bed comforter of Boone hair.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Some chick just had a baby named Ethan Jr. Seems really big for a new born. Today i found a butterfly, and I chased it all the way up the hill, when I caught it I called it Boone, after my long lost lover. Then it died by flaming Boone hair comforters  
PS I'm hungry  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
Ethan Jr. looks like Ethan. Am very worried. Shannon's having an asthma attack, I'm screaming, and I think Boone got out of Melbourne.  
Love II  
PS HOW THE HELL DID HE GET OUT OF MELBOURNE!

Dear Diary,  
Sun administered that eucalyptus crap with her hands of healing or whatever to Shannon. She's taking a breather now.  
I heard Ethan went out to Melbourne to save Boone because some crazy girl kept beating him at Mortal Kombat  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today I found out I was good at Mortal Kombat. I like that characters who does those things with their stuff. Some ugly guy told me to stop playing. I want cheese  
PS my ears hurt  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
Broke it off with Shannon...PEL was all happy because Jack had to play doctor today, when Ethan Jr fell over and broke his bones.  
I told him that you break other peoples bones...not your own. A couple of concepts to pick up there...  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Jack got to play doctor, he was like "Yeah I am the Sexy!" but then Locke came and went "NO ME" and stole Jack's sexy all away. It's a good thing I had some in reserve.  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today I went around and felt people's heads. This is what I have so far: Locke's goes "Eeee Eeee", Jack's goes "Krh Krh" (but some nice girl came along and tried to use me as a baseball) and my favorite is Sawyer's that goes "Whoosh." I think I'm going to make a song  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
SWAK got that Eee Eee Krh Krh Whoosh song stuck in my head. In other news Hurley ate Ethan Jr.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
When Ethan Jr. passed through Hurley's system we will have a memorial  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
I finally made my new song it goes a little like this...  
"Oh Boone" Eee Eee "My Boone" Eee Eee "You have eyebrows" Krh Krh "As big as the moon" Krh Krh "But I still love you " Eee Eee " for you are my Boone" Whoosh  
Love SWAK

Dear Diary,  
DAMN BOONE …SWAK is at the point of no return, making up songs about Boone...I remember when I passed that point with Ethan...a happy day.  
Ethan is very sad we discovered that he was in Las Vegas to...so Ethan Jr's parentage is explained.  
Love II

Dear Diary,  
Today Me, II and SWAK went out on the mission to find Danielle. We sent the polar bear after her sometime ago but he frighteningly did not return.  
PS Friggin' SWAK and her Boone songs seems she's felt more people's hair  
Love PEL

Dear Diary,  
Today I felt more people's hair this is what I discovered: Michael's goes "Boing Boing" (like a bunny) and Jin's goes "Ewww" and Hurley's goes "Loop Loop" and Sayid goes " Ekeh Ekeh" I think it's time for more songs!  
Love SWAK


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